on constant repeat

As I replay the scenes from my life on constant repeat, I find myself having more regrets than I thought I would have.

I do not regret making decisions or living.

I do not regret the time I spent with others.

I heard from someone that you should “live your life with no regrets.”

If these last two months have taught me anything, it’s that I was listening to lies.

Did I listen to my own lies? Had I become so self-absorbed in what my eyes could see, that I had forgotten to look up?

I am not a master poet or a writer.

I wanted to be one… I said to others when I was young.

As I replay the scenes from my life on constant repeat, I find exactly what they saw in me.

I may not know everything there is to know about the world. I have come to terms with that.

What can one do when their whole world-view has been shattered? One must come to terms that they do not know everything.

After arguing in my mind through long hours of restless, anxious wakefulness, I’ve even pondered the idea that I may not know anything.

To anyone listening or observing, that could be the case… but men and women smarter and wiser than me have imagined things far greater than I.

I thought of myself as an artist, but am finding more and more that I am an explorer.

Did I explore very far? Not at all, I’m afraid.

I remember being close to death once.

I was so close that all I could see was darkness.

Some could laugh and say that was simply my eyelids being shut.

I think what frightened me the most about seeing nothing was how cold it was.

The word cold can be refreshing on a summer’s day. An ice cream cone or an ice-cold soda.

The cold that I felt was utter loneliness. True loneliness.

The kind of cold that makes your bones ache.

The kind of cold that makes you wish you had never been born.

At least, makes you think of wishing.

In these last few weeks of refrain, I have found myself not to be the man I fought not to be.

I chose to criticize my father’s actions throughout my whole childhood, when I never really knew him.

Whatever he lied about or didn’t does not matter. I am a product of that rage.

I am the product of love and rage.

Shallow love and uncertain rage.

Love that only shows up when convenient.

Rage that only comes out in desperation.

Both are inherently selfish.

Rage for the sake of petty vengeance is misguided.

Love for the sake of pleasure, admiration and worship is empty.

Could I have stopped the world from moving where it was going?

No. The answer will always be no.

Did I make a lasting impression on anyone?

Probably not. Call me a pessimist, but that’s as real a statement as they come.

Even now, atop castles I am laughed at.

I do not say that in a jesting manner, because I now understand what I didn’t before.

I was given everything that I am as a birthright.

The way I talk. The clothes on my back. Who I am.

Many worked extremely hard to stand amongst even the weakest… and I am much weaker than that.

Friends have told me not to belittle or demean myself.

Positive over the negative.

How can I believe them when I do not believe myself?

How could I have decided on my fate when I never read any words?

I have so many questions left unanswered and I know I will never live to find the answers.

I thought life was about striving to find out what was in the unknown…

Now I know, there is not much unknown to some.

Some I disrespected for my own gain.

I was so naive.

Even now, I stare at this mirror as if it will give me the answer I seek.

That is the fall of man in a nutshell.

The idea that one could know the whole of the universe would be wasted in a human’s hands.

I was so naive.